Warning!Warning!Perhapes you have heard rumors that the people here glow in the dark. This is true. You don't believe me? Well, try this. Go turn off all the lights in your room. That's it. Now, if it is day, cover the windows, close the door, etc. Try to block out as much outside light as you can.
All done? Ok, come back here to your computer. Under these darkened conditions, it is much easier to see that this web site is glowing. That's right. Your eyes do not fool you. This page is actually glowing. And all because it is located in Kennewick, so close to a nuclear reservation.
But please, don't let this worry you. This site is safe to visit. In fact, it is even safe for your kids. There are highly effective radiation filters on all computer systems, and this should eliminate any harmful alpha emitions that could come from visiting this page. You are perfectly safe.
But should you wish to protect your family further from any stray gamma particles, or
possible radiation leakage, you may to purchase an additional filter
for you modem at your local computer store. Since many internet sites are located in parts of the world where
nuclear contamination has occured, scientists have recently developed these
radiation filters. Modem filters are easy to
install. Simply unplug your phone, plug the filter into the phone jack,
and then plug your phone into the filter. This will insure that your
family is safe, not only from this site, but from many others which
might cause harm.
Well, I don't know if it was a dark and stormy night, but that's what he did. Not only did he pick these 'hot' little fruits, he made jam out of them.
The mulberries were indeed radioactive. The trees had long pulled radioactive elements through their roots from the ground water, and these elements were neatly deposited in the berries.
Now this isn't so bad. I mean, maybe had the trees been given a long enough life, they may have mutated and formed a new kind of mulberry that contained the cure for cancer and would have fed the world. But no, our friend, the oceanographer, had to go and mess everything up. He sent several jars of his special jam to a few top people, such as the Washington State Governer and the U.S. Secretary of Energy.
Now these people were pretty 'hot' under the collar about this. It seemed that Mr. Buske had gotten his point across. These trees were dangerous, a threat to society. I mean, if a simple oceanographer could sneak upriver and pick these little mulberries, anyone could!
So they began by cutting down the vile trees, about 20 tree-clumps in all. Now, I would just like to interject a little comment. First of all, those trees couldn't help being radioactive. They were just little, innocent seeds, who just happened to be unfortunate enough to begin growing near radioactive ground water. It wasn't their fault. Why did they deserve death? And what about the Ozone hole, and the Greenhouse effect? Shouldn't we be trying to save all the trees for future generation? Hundreds of acres of rainforest are cut down each day. How can we save the rainforests, when we can't even save a handful of beautiful mulberries, right here in our own backyard?
But back to my story. They cut down the trees, and were left with the problem of what to do with all the wood. I think they should have sold locally for firewood. We all glow in the dark anyway, so it shouldn't matter. But they didn't do that. They burried them in plastic bags at a low-level waste site.
Later, they decided to cut down another clump of pesky (but innocent) radioactive berry trees. They went to burry these, but found that in two years, costs had risen greatly. For a volume of aprox. 4,200 cubic feet of (brutally murdered) tree bodies, it would have cost them $280,000 (according to my math) to stuff them in a plastic bag and put them in the ground. The rent at the Toxica Wastia Hotel had gone up.
So, in an effort to reduce spending, they decided to chop the little trees into tiny bits, to reduce the volume. They went out and bought a tree shredder from the local Flora Torture Device Emporium franchise for $15,000, and tried to begin their work.
But thank goodness. The Department of Ecology saved the day! Noting that the use of a tree shredder to ground radioactive trees into fine powder required the use of an Air-Quality Permit, they halted the project for months. . . Roughly the time it took to obtain the glorious permit.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, (the one in Oak Ridge, TN), they were building a waste incinerator. The Mulberry Reduction Commitee over here took note, and thought that perhaps if they burnt the trees to ashes, there would be less the burry. So, the shipped the foliage all to a foreign state, miles and miles away, hauling radioactive trees far from their native home.
There, they were burned, and their volume reduced to a mere ton of ash. But the ash had picked up some new friends! Iron 55 and Magnesium 54, happy little radioactive elements to go along with the strontium that the trees contained origionally.
The Mulberry Radioactive Element Inspection Commitee was not to pleased with this. These were bad little friends. They should stay in Tennesee, where they belong. Don't bring them into our state. Their kind aren't welcome here.
The ashes lived in Oak Ridge for two years, waiting for permission to come home. Last year, they did, at a cost of $200,000 for the whole trip (and I don't believe that includes incineration costs). Since then, they have sat waiting to be burried.
And the oceanographor? I guess he couldn't find any mutant salmon out in the
Hanford Reservation to fry up (because the salmon runs are depleated).
He has picked up and moved out. It's been said that he's over near
Seattle some place, and was recently arrested for swimming in a
restricted are at a U.S. naval base. I don't think there are any mutant
salmon there either. Maybe he should try Chernobyl?
Sources: A wonderful article writen for the Tri-City
Herald (April 18, 1996) by Wanda Briggs.
People I know who actually worked on this project. (But I still got
most of my info from the newspaper article...)
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