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Revocation of Independence
& Rebuttal
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys, and Hugh Grant does not count.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby League (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby league side by 2005 that could make the World Cup.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Cheers
OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO ENGLAND'S REVOCATION OF AMERICA'S INDEPENDENCE!
Sent in by: james0023@hotmail.comxxx
To the Governing Bodies of the United Kingdom:
Your notice came as quite a shock to the vast majority of us who did not realize that the United Kingdom was still in existence. The complete lack of any usable culture, products, services, entertainment, or medical advancement coming from Britain was at fault, and we apologize. After a tiresome day spent tracking our enormous wealth and power, it was a bizarre notice indeed.
Your "suggestion" has been considered and I am very sorry to say, denied. As a concession, however, it was universally agreed that you may have Utah. Our reasoning is outlined below.
1) While we have been unable to decide who will lead our country for 1 week, it seems that the UK has been in that state for many years. It was unclear to us why we would need two leaders permanently in the forms of the Prime Minister and the Queen. Also, we had a problem with Tony Blair personally, as he is so overtly gay.
2) A bit of research indicated that you are having difficulty keeping your fuel prices below $17 per ounce and your taxes below 95% (What is this "VAT" anyway?), while still maintaining an expensive monarchy. This type of fiscal prudence would not mix well with our aforementioned enormous wealth and power.
3) Reverting to the English style of speaking would simply be too inefficient. In fact, we are considering teaching an entirely new language to our youth comprised entirely of grunts and hand gestures. Communication is quicker, more efficient, and allows us to continue to lead the planet in accumulating power and wealth. Plus, we don't sound like pompous asses.
4) We will accept your provision 7, the bombing of Quebec and France, as long as you promise to sweep up afterwards.
5) Hollywood actually attempted to cast British actors in heroic roles in the late 80's, but gave up when they could find none that were more masculine then Liberace.
6) In reviewing your form of "football" it became clear that soccer is not a sport, but rather a simple form of cardiovascular exercise. Additionally, when the "games" are completed, the tradition of trying to kill as many opposing fans as possible was deemed unacceptable. On the rare occasion that one of the 300 league teams involved actually scores a goal, the closing of banks and government offices in order to allow more time to discuss the goal was also considered somewhat inefficient. American football will continue to be played with vigour. The reason for the padding, by the way, is the ability of our athletes to run fast, jump high, and hit hard. You don't need padding for a girly slap fight.
In closing, may we just say we were flattered by your overtures, but simply do not see a merger being possible at this time. Perhaps with a little hard work, you can pull yourselves up by your bootstraps, and someday be considered to be in the same league as, say, Micronesia.
Sincerely,
The Management
